I am stuck. Let me out. I want to be outside. I want to be away. I want to be away from this dark room. A dark stinky damp cage smells stingy like blood, piss and sweat. All I think of is a shiny blade. A clean cut. A 10 min suffering to ultimate freedom. An ultimate release from this hell hole. Sometimes I wish the jailer would let me out himself because I don’t want to be a rule breaker, but he wouldn’t let me go. What does one do then? Everyday I wish that there will a thump at the gate. At the door and after a few ments of panic I would be free. A few moments of panic and chaps and fear followed by acceptance and finally th wait as I leave this dark damp cell and fly into the bright light of the day and see my love receiving me with a smile. I can’t wait to leave this jail, jail that is my body.

Jeopardized the chance of being with you, with one action of mine. In the moment of weakness, in the moment of vulnerability, in a moment of sadness, I lost the idea of what was important and what was true. Going back to the day, to the exact moment, I think, ‘was it a mistake’?. And I answer without a second thought…no, it was not. It wasn’t a mistake. Yes, I am remorseful, I feel sorry for how I hurt. Resentment lies in your heart and speech which I can understand. But I constantly ask myself? Till when will this resentment last?

Imagine a world where expect you everyone had a short memory . As short as 10 mins. Would you still be the same person. Would you still do the same things. What if no one could remember your embarrassing moments. What if no one could remember the moment you oronouced your love for someone. You wouldn’t have to worry about rejection. Wouldn’t have to worry about living with the fear if facing the same people again. Because no one would remember anything. Imahine telling someone how you feel. Imagine saying things to psioepoe that you always wanted and 10 minutes larees. It’s a blank stare. Imagine doing things you always wanted to so but could gather the courage to. Because you might fail. You might embarrase yourself. But now withing a few minutes. Everything is a clean salre. A new start. A Jew beginning. There are no likits to that you coulr do. None at all.

Nothing makes sense. Nothing at all. Why are we here. What are we doing? We are just feeling our tiny egos. With every promotion, with every relation, with every friend, with every picture and with every post and every step, we are feeding the ego little by little. Drop by drop. This collection of small and big achievements makes us who we are. From being happy and proud about waking up early to having started your own company. We are looking for ways to be happy about our life. About ourselves. Confusing pride with happiness and possession with satisfaction. Sex with love, lack of things with poverty and money with prosperity. We are filling this vessel of mind with pride which we confuse with happiness one drop at a time. So much that there’s nothing else inside. You know how it’s true? Tell me who you are if it’s not your job, not your clothes, not a friend’s friend, not your father’s son, your mother’s daughter, not your car, not your body. Who are you ? What are you? Ever think of that ?

Our whole identity based on external factors like the workout schedule, your talents, skills, jobs, relations, friends and body. None of these you own. None of these you can take with you. Non of these earned by you. They were a gift. A gift from destiny. A gift from the universe. Then what is yours ?

Here I am sitting in my bed thinking of everything and yet nothing. I’ve been contemplating a question in my mind for a while now. The question- what’s the point? What’s the point of everything? You life, your experience, your hard work, your dreams and passion. What is the point of all of this.

One day with the blink of an eye, everything you know will fade right before your eyes. All those dreams those passions will be mere small goals and small activities you chose to pass your time till life ends.

Everything you are doing right now is a filler. A filler to fill that time between now to the time you die. Your wife your kids your family is all just an attachment. Remember that childhood best friend? Remember imagining how things would be like when you grow up? How you thought you’d grow up together. But are is that what happened? Remember your first love ? The promises you made? Where is that now. My point is, they were temporary and we didn’t know that. So is everything else. We are just too close to everything to realize that . We are busy running 9-5, finding out passion, finding love, finding happiness because we need to something all the time. You need something to keep you distracted. Distracted from facing questions like these that threaten your identity that you have created for yourself.

What do you think is the point of human existence? We can discover a cure to cancer but will it make the person immortal? we’re just delaying the inevitable. You can be famous you can be homeless but what makes you different? Both turned to dust sooner or later. Sure, you’ll be remember for longer than others but how long? 5 yrs? 10yr? a 100 years? a 1000 years ? But how would that matter to you even after the second you die? You will not be there to see it. You existence is a form of sufferage and all we are doing is trying to ease the suffering by finding a partner to share this suffering with or by finding a cure to diseases, or by simply finding easier ways to do things. And to everyone who’s in a hope that there is a life after death. Good luck to you because there isn’t anything after death. Do you burn a book and say it probably goes to a book heaven ? Just because you have thought you created this imaginative afterlife to give yourself hope and to not face the crippling fear and the reality. Like a child creating an imaginary friend to escape reality.

Earth existed millions of years before the human race and will continue to do so after we are gone. Then why do we give ourselves and everyone else so much importance? Is suicide a permanent solution to all these inevitable problems. Is suicide a form of mercy killing to a person who thinks life is a suffering?

Note: I am not depressed or suicidal so do not ask me if everything is ok.